June 1st

9:40 AM
Today is the first day of the big sesshin. Luckily, I am the assistant Tenzo, so I get to skip out on 2 hours of sitting, thus leaving me with a paltry 13 hours of zazen.

I woke up this morning at 3:25 AM, because my roommate was jikido. During the first hour session of zazen, I was so tired that I kept my eyes closed practically the entire time, I even felt my head droop once. During the second hour, I was able to open my eyes a little more, maybe for 20 out of the 45 minutes. By the third and fourth sessions, I was more or less awake.

I am beginning to get a good grip on my mind. I can see its plasticity and fundamental groundless nature. In this sesshin, there is nothing to hold on to. Aside from having to help in the kitchen, there is basically nothing going on in my life. Actually, that is how it always is - even when you are incredibly busy. There is actually nothing happening, it's just that your mind is distracted. It is very clear that this mind is all of reality, and that water and chicken shit are this mind. Some people never pay attention to that fact and think that external objects entertain them. They are simply fooled by their own mind, which drags them around like a dog on a leash. The worst thing is that we don't even know it! And of course I am guilty of this as well.

Buddhism is simply the study and practice of taming the mind. I think that Antai-ji is a very good place to do that.

3:52 PM
I am completely exhausted. I feel like I could fall asleep right now. We didn't have a lot of food for breakfast and I was really weak when I came into help Daisen as tenzo at 2 PM. Luckily, he screwed up making a (large) egg roll and gave it to me. It's weird how things work out. Daisen is such a nice guy - I think he somehow knew that I needed it. When we went into the chicken barn, he was petting the chickens like their mother.

My mind is starting to really change. I have never felt this way before, and I can't really describe it. It's like a complete lack of emotion - catharsis. But something still remains.

We had oryoki dinner, and I finally got a lot to eat, which is good because it was the second and last meal of the day. After that, I had some coffee, but that still hasn't perked me up yet. While sipping the coffee, I was just gazing at the trees and watching ants on the ground. Really, we are not that much more than ants. We have a body and desires to stay alive. Humans just try to make it more complicated than that. That's why we invent buddhas. Sesshin eliminates those complications and allows you to truly experience yourself.

Sesshin means 'to come in contact with the mind,' or something like that. It is really good to confront your mind every now and again. Check up on how happy/depressed you might be; see how easy it is to be irritated. I've found that I am a pretty happy person, pretty ordinary. I am not so easily irritated, but my mind is easily distracted.